How do you make a recording talking about the reasons that lead you to commit suicide? That is basically what you understand about the book before you begin reading it. For me, that was enough to grab my attention. Already my mind was in overdrive. Was there only one reason? Was she just being a wuss and didn't want to deal with life? How do you tell people they are the reason you are dead? Is it really their fault? Did somebody hurt you that much? Was your hurt so severe that these tapes wouldn't be enough of a punishment for them? Are you really placing blame or just telling your story from your perspective? These and many more questions were running through my mind. Of course the best way to answer any of them was to read the book, which was why I started on the drive home, reading at every red light that I could.
At first I couldn't find my barrings. I felt like I was in Clay's position. Like I was the one finding the tapes and trying to figure out, first what are they for and second, why I would be the one receiving them. And just like Clay, well except maybe the fear of all the secrets being released, I couldn't get myself to stop "listening" to the tapes. Each new page only created most questions and more debates about Hannah and everything that had happened.
You know...half way through the book, I was still struggling to answer my questions. On one page I would find myself agreeing with Hannah and the next page I would be completely disagreeing with her. It seemed never ending, deciding which side I would be on. Not to mention the whirlwind of thoughts running through my head. At times I felt like I was the one listening to her tapes. That I was one of the reasons she even thought of creating them. I have to give major props to Jay Asher for that. He made the book easy to fall into, even though the subject matter is such a sensitive topic.
The farther along I got in the book the more I questioned Hannah's actions. There seemed to be quite a few instances where she would have been able to avoid the consequences if she just would have taken the extra minute to think it through. At times even when she did think it through and realized that it wasn't the best idea, she still did it. Some people my say that she liked the drama. Maybe she did...or maybe she is like most teenagers and just didn't believe that the worst could happen to them. But with each new incident she had to have realized that she wasn't invincible and would change her ways.
Part of it seemed though that she just wanted to see the good in people. Hoping with each new friendship that she would be able to find that good in people that she was always believing in. Sadly, she never found it in the people that she befriended. It was the one person that she couldn't find the courage to face, the one person that she let in too late, that was the one person that might have been able to save her.
That's not putting blame on other people. Hannah had a great deal of her own blame in the this whole matter. A lot of these instances may not have happened if she had spoken up. She showed how all these seemingly random events were connected and how they influenced her final decision. But the most intriguing part of all of it, was that the connecting piece to all of these random events were her. In each event she had the capacity to do something and each time she failed. She seemed to have given up one on the world and the times she could have received help she did nothing.
Now, this is not throwing all the blame on Hannah either. Many people did hurt her, directly and indirectly. And how much do we expect one person to handle? Yes, other people have been through much worse than her, but most times a person can't see that because we live moment to moment. You don't know what you can survive until your on the other side and some people just can't make it through that one moment, especially when they were constantly assaulted before. But to Hannah's credit, at that last moment she did speak up. She did stop and think and reached for the help that she knew she needed.
In her eyes, and most likely many others, she went to someone she thought would be equipped to help her. To at least give the tools or resources she would need to help herself. And once again she was let down. At this point I could only listen in shock. The guidance counselor...the guidance counselor seemed to know what she was really talking about and he was doing a good job of trying to get her talk about, tryingut as soon as he hears about what she did at the party he basically changes his path to that of telling her to just move on. He failed her, in my opinion. Even if he believed that she was being over-dramatic about regretting her actions, as soon as he believed she would was thinking what she was thinking he should have done something. He should have kept the conversation going. He should have provided her information even if he thought it was a lame excuse. This was one of the harder parts.
Maybe everyone is to blame. Hannah for not speaking up, her classmates for always looking the other way, her parents for not being involved in their daughter's life, her teachers for not reporting or responding to it...everyone.
I don't know. Just thought I'd ramble on. Believe me this conversation would be endless and there will never be one answer, there might not even be a right or wrong answer. Just a side and belief that each individual is comfortable with.
And should anyone stumble across this and are contemplating suicide please ask for help. Yes, I understand that you may feel that there is no one in your life that will care, but I'm sure there is at least one person who will suffer from your actions. If you don't feel that there isn't a friend, counselor, teacher, parent, sibling, aunt, uncle, grandparent or whomever else then please contact the hotlines at:
1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255
